Dear steady starmate,

Thank you. Have I told you that lately? Thank you for being here. I know I’ve needed a lot of patience over these many years. I wish I could write something to share with you every single day.

The truth is, writing from the heart feels impossible right now when the words just slip through the cracked pieces. I lost my mom, and my heart is shattered. Her presence in my life was momentous and beautiful. How lucky am I to say that?

But I’m like Punch the baby macaque these days. Thankfully, he seems to have made a breakthrough. In time, I hope I will, too. My mom showed me the meaning of strength and perseverance. She lets me know that she is still checking in, and I’m not about to let her down by giving up. (Although she also made it clear that letting her down wasn’t possible.) But still.

I wish she were here to watch her grandchildren grow. I miss her more than I could ever begin to express. I wish there had been time for her to see my books in print. However, throughout this year, I’ve learned that attaining goals isn’t as important as I once thought. Some days I forget that. But mostly, I try to find solace in the love my mom and I shared … and still share. 

So again, thank you for being here. You may have also lost a loved one, including pets, and understand how tough it is. It’s such a painful part of life, but we don’t have to go through it alone. And that’s why I appreciate you (my anonymous readers) for checking in. Knowing someone is giving their time to listen to a stranger gives me a lot of hope. The numbers on here have been increasing, so I thought I should crawl out of my hobbit hole and say something. It’s been a while, so maybe an update on my writing journey?

And writing is hard. Especially in my current state. Whenever I try to write something, it is laced with sadness. My blog-writing intentions have always been to stay positive. I want to contribute something bright to the world. I should probably take some hints and read some of my old stuff to realign my voice. But I think I’m a different person now. Experiences change us.

All of this is to say, I’m still here, and I hope you’re still here, too. If I’m unable to dive back in soon, I may start to work on some cheerier ideas in the meantime. Easier things. I have a project I’d like to do with my family. I think it might be a fun thing for us to try together that could help me lighten my spirit. And I might add some fun stuff to the website.

I want to be better for you. And I want nothing more than to share what I’ve been working on over these many years. It destroys me, actually, that I can’t do that yet. YET.

So this note was long, which tells me I should be writing more updates. That’s why I made this little note section, then it grew cobwebs. It was quite the process to figure out how to add that on here, so I better use it! Also, I am a mom. My children are leading very busy lives these days, and I am doing everything I can to be the best I can be for them. They are my priority, always. But I also want them to see me accomplish something!…which contradicts what I wrote above. So anyhey, that leads me back to you. I think we’re making progress together. Tiny baby macaque steps.

When my stories are ready, I’d love to have some reader friends (that’s you) willing to give them a try. One of these days, I’ll start a newsletter for better contact. Until then, be kind to others and yourself. Late, Starmate!